It's become a routine, check some local Christian colleges, Christian schools and churches to see if anyone is hiring for a position that would be perfect for me. Then, go to my few choice seminaries to dream about moving there and doing my Ph.D, then think about church planting. I've just given you a little glimpse inside my head and what has been swirling around in it for the last few months. I have only been finished with seminary now for a little over three months and I am still cranking along at my in-school pace mentally. For the last 23 years I have been starting back to school this past week. This is the first time that I have not done that and it is weird to say the least.
Now to be fair, I have a job and have had this particular job for nearly four years. It is not related to my seminary degree, but often I understand why God has me there. I have these moments of perspective in which I remember, "oh yeah, this is why I am here, this is what you are doing with, in and through me, let's do this." However, it doesn't take long for me to cycle back through thinking about the future and wondering if there isn't something I am supposed to be doing NOW. I look around and it seems like so many of my other brothers in ministry went to their respective school and popped out on the other side with a job in ministry. While this is not necessarily the case, it is the reality that I often believe. Then of course there is all this talk now about student loans (don't get me started) and how this generation is screwed when it comes to jobs. Has that bled into the ministry realm as well? Have too many young men gotten excited about serving God and not heeded the advice of Spurgeon, like if there is anything else you can do, go do that?
As you can tell from my beginning rant, there are several different directions that I feel pulled towards for my future in ministry. All of you seminarians and ministry folks will rightly diagnose me as someone without a clear call. I will tell you straight up that I struggle with decisions. I tell this story a lot, but it literally took me about six months to pick out shoe laces for my Pumas after the laces broke. (Puma doesn't sell shoe laces! What a crock!) So when it came to wrestling with my call to seminary, my wife and I talked and prayed through it for nearly a year. I sought some other godly counsel and finally felt settled. I am absolutely confident that God called me to seminary and I am absolutely confident that God called me to ministry. I am just not sure what that looks like yet and therein lies my frustration.
Meanwhile, my wife and I are about to have our first child in October and student loans will be coming due in November. When you factor these things into the whole debate, the waters get a bit more muddy. Whatever is next for me in ministry will involve a change for my wife and for our little one and I have to keep that in mind. So am I doomed as a part of this generation that is screwed when it comes to jobs? Am I just obscenely impatient and this is just how this all goes? It's a faith issue isn't it? What I am asking is will God come through? Or will He call me to something and leave. Me hanging? Sounds pretty stupid when you type it out I must say. He has not failed me yet and He has a pretty good track record of oh, I don't know, eternity past that He has always kept His word. I think He has it under control. Lord help my unbelief.